Anyone can hold a grudge for a while, but some of us are more likely to harbour them for years.

Loading

“It may be that it was an incident that’s hard to get past, but it can also be to do with personality style – some people are more likely to hold on to negativity or to see the glass as half empty.

“People who have more confidence and stronger self-esteem, and who see the glass as half full have more to buffer them when things go wrong,” she says.

“It can also happen because you’re from a family where grudges are nursed, or maybe it’s a family where one member feels different or is convinced their parents treated them differently.”

How can you let go of a grudge?

“People sometimes find a way to grow beyond it and, as family members grow older, they often see things differently or acknowledge that the person they’re angy with has changed for the better,” Shaw says.

“But if there’s a dark well of resentment, it’s worth seeing a professional or being open to the idea that there could be another way to manage the hurt that could benefit you.”

Upton adds, “It might also involve communicating with the person you’re angry with about how you feel, and to try to understand their behaviour from their perspective. With a strongly held grudge, you may need extra help from a neutral third party like a psychologist to help work through the problem calmly, so both people feel heard.”

But it doesn’t always have to involve the other person.

“You could also talk to a friend or therapist to look at other ways to see the situation that might help you feel more neutral about it, like, ‘maybe they didn’t mean it personally’. When we’re ruminating, we often repeat beliefs about a situation, like, ‘she’s never respected me’ that might not be accurate and that just fuel our anger,” she says.

Loading

“You can also brainstorm actions that might help, like choosing to forgive and let go, or maybe setting boundaries in the relationship, for example. This could be resuming limited contact with the person in some settings, such as when you are with other people, and sticking to lighter topics. You might come prepared with phrases to help reinforce your boundaries, like ‘I’m not going to discuss that today.’ ”

This won’t fix a grudge straight away. But if we find ourselves sinking back into rumination, there are ways to cut it short, Upton says.

“It’s helpful to name it (‘this is ruminating’), remind yourself it’s not helpful, and redirect your mind back to the present moment and whatever you’re doing. Switching locations or activities can also help shift your mind away from rumination. Or you could try ‘postponing’ your thinking about a situation to a set time of the day – 20 minutes at 5.30pm, for example.”

“We’re also close to Christmas, which for some relatives is the only time of the year they ever see each other. If someone’s holding a grudge they might wonder if they should stay away,” says Shaw.

“But it may also be an opportunity to ask yourself if there’s another way of looking at this before you miss out.”

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.