Conflicts are inevitable even in the most loving of relationships.

Goals, needs and interests will differ on matters great and small – parenting styles, delegation of chores, whether the toilet seat
should be up.

Contrary to popular belief, though, conflicts in and of themselves are not a sign that there’s something wrong with the relationship, experts say.

If managed well, conflicts provide “the opportunity to enhance and grow in our relationships,” said Nickola Overall, a professor of psychology at the University of Auckland specializing in the science of relationships.

“It’s not about conflict resolution” since many problems that couples fight about may never fully go away, but about “conflict management,” said Julie Gottman, who researches relationships along with her husband, John Gottman.

But if conflicts are not properly managed or are avoided, they can result in negative consequences for the health of both partners and their relationship. Research shows that while partners in satisfying relationships live longer and have fewer health problems than their single or dissatisfied counterparts, strain and conflict are common. Conflict is especially potent in romantic relationships and associated with worse mental health symptoms, unhealthier patterns of the stress hormone, cortisol, and diminished immune and cardiovascular health.

Avoiding or withdrawing from conflict deprives partners of the opportunity to improve the situation and potentially signals a lack of engagement in the relationship, leading to reduced satisfaction. “You can really use conflict to understand your partner at a much deeper level than you may already know your partner,” Julie Gottman said.

But both partners need the motivation to address the problem and the ability to take their partner’s perspective, Overall said.

And perhaps the most difficult thing: “I think we have to be brave enough to really communicate how we feel and what the underlying issues are,” she said.

Direct communication is key to conflict management

Relationship researchers and clinicians study how conflicts affect relationships by bringing couples into a laboratory, videotaping their interactions while they discuss an intractable problem and analyzing those interactions. They consistently find that unhappy couples are more likely to express greater disagreement, hostility and criticism while happy couples are more likely to express greater validation, affection and humor.

But surprisingly, relationship research has also shown that couples expressing anger and hostility toward one another during arguments could sometimes be predictive of positive relationship outcomes over time.

Conversely, more positive interactions during conflicts – such as agreement and use of humour – could help the relationship in the short term but fail to produce change for the underlying problem in the long run.

These counterintuitive findings suggest that whether interactions are more positive or negative is just one factor in how conflicts turn out. How direct we are in our communication of the issues also matters.

In one study of recorded interactions of 61 romantic couples, Overall and her colleagues found that more direct communication strategies – both negative and positive – were associated with greater success in addressing the problem 12 months later and predicted increased relationship satisfaction even if they were initially perceived as relatively unsuccessful.

By contrast, indirect strategies – positive or negative – did not predict later change in the underlying problem.

Emotions such as anger and hostility can be useful to a conflict and to the relationship, Overall said. They can help convey “that a problem is serious and that the problem needs to be changed, and that the partner needs to do something about helping to resolve this problem.” It also indicates an investment in the relationship.

But these emotions need to match the context of the situation.

In a 2020 longitudinal study of 268 couples, Overall found that while an increase in average levels of hostility and criticism is associated with worsening problems and decreasing satisfaction, it was associated with better outcomes if this expression of hostility was more variable.

But if someone gets upset about everything, “then the information signal gets lost and instead you’re just informing the partner that you’re negative all the time,” Overall said. Then “the potential benefits of expressing negativity and anger and hostility lose its power because it becomes nondiagnostic of the problem,” she said

Cooperative, constructive problem-solving

Constructive problem-solving – through reasoning, negotiations and solution-oriented discussions – can convey the salient pieces of information needed to manage an ongoing conflict: that the issue is important, that the partners are committed to resolving it and that they care about the relationship.

Direct communication is “good for minor problems. It’s good for serious problems,” Overall said. And it doesn’t carry the negative side effects of the negative emotions.

In their recent book, “Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection,” the Gottmans recommend an intervention they call the “Dreams Within Conflict,” which postpones solving the problem and instead has each partner ask the other questions about their values about the issue, why it is important, their feelings about the issue and what their ideal dream is for it.

“The goal is mutual understanding,” John Gottman said. In their couples workshops, the Gottmans have found that this strategy helps 87% of couples “move from gridlock on an issue to dialogue,” he said.

How we initiate these difficult conversations also matters because it can predict not only how the conversation will go, but also indicate how the relationship will go, Julie Gottman said.

The Gottmans recommend what they call a softened start-up: First, describe yourself and the situation, not your partner, and then a positive need “that gives your partner a chance to shine for you,” Julie Gottman said. For example: “I’m really worried. There’s the feeling that the bills haven’t been paid on time. Would you please pay the bills tonight?”

Remaining flexible in how we respond to our partner’s specific needs is important since becoming overly strategic in solving problems can have some costs, Overall said. “When the emotions are completely taken out and you’re just trying to be very rational and reasoning, you’re actually taking away the emotional connection and what makes us human,” she said.

The emotion – be it anger, warmth or sadness – also conveys important information about how much we care about our partner and the relationship, she said.

Expressing gratitude or laughing about yourself or together can also be very powerful in a relationship and in a conflict, John Gottman said.

These strategies for more effective conflict management may help to clearly communicate what matters – our partner, our relationship and our facing challenges together.

“It’s about how can I express, how can I be brave enough to engage in constructive ways when it matters,” Overall said.