Most people are worried that giving constructive feedback about sex will leave their partner feeling hurt, inadequate, or ashamed. Combine this with the general stigma that surrounds the topic, and it makes sense that we often decide it’s easier to keep enduring subpar sex than broach such a terrifying conversation.
But every person deserves sex that they can get excited about, and if you plan on staying with this person, the sex isn’t going to get better unless you say something. While it might feel uncomfortable now, it’s highly likely you’ll look back on these conversations while you’re having the best sex of your life in the near future and be relieved you took the leap.
The tips below will help you to have a relaxed, honest conversation with your partner about what you need to feel fulfilled, without anyone leaving the chat feeling offended or embarrassed.
“When should I bring this up?”
This probably isn’t a conversation you want to have while waiting in line for your coffee. You’ll want to find a time when you both feel relaxed, connected, and have the energy and privacy this chat deserves. At the same time, you don’t want to put it off for months because the “perfect moment” hasn’t presented itself.
If you’ve been with your partner for a while, you’ll hopefully know how they prefer to approach important chats such as this. Are they someone who would appreciate being forewarned to set time aside the next day for a conversation about your sex life, or would that give them too much time to worry about what you’re going to say?
Many people find it easier to have sex talks in a setting where they don’t need to make eye contact, as this can reduce the feeling of vulnerability. Therefore, you might choose to have it when you’ve got a long drive ahead of you or are out for a walk through a quiet area.
“How do I avoid hurting their feelings?”
Sexual performance tends to be personal for most people, to the point that it’s often connected to our confidence and self-esteem. That’s why saying outright that you don’t like the sex you’re having isn’t recommended.
Instead, focus on one aspect of your sex life that feels most pressing to you right now, leaving others for another time. This should prevent your partner from feeling overwhelmed or like they can’t do anything right in the bedroom.
When you bring this up, you’ll want to do it in a way that emphasises the pleasure and satisfaction you’re hoping to experience together moving forward, instead of talking negatively about what’s happened in the past.
For example, complaining to your husband that he orgasms way too quickly and you’re left feeling dissatisfied every single time is likely to leave him feeling insecure.
Instead, you might ask whether he’s comfortable trying some strategies you’ve found to delay ejaculation because you love the sex you have, and the longer it lasts, the more pleasure you can experience together.
“How can I make sure things actually change?”
The last thing you want to do is go through this whole conversation without making any tangible progress. That’s why it’s essential to enter the conversation equipped with a couple of ideas for action steps you could implement.
This also further prevents anyone from feeling like their performance is being complained about, instead keeping the tone positive and solution-focused.
Keeping in mind that consent is key, you might ask them whether they’re willing to try a new oral technique with you that you’ve been daydreaming about for months now or if they’re comfortable with you exploring some new positions to mix things up.
If you’re not sure how to move forward, your suggestion might be to learn together. You could find relevant podcast episodes to listen to in the car together or read a chapter of a sex educator’s book out loud to each other a couple of times a week. This way you can chat about what you learn and work out your next steps together.
While these conversations might feel clunky or nerve-wracking at first, they get easier with practice. And the more you talk about sex, the better your sex life will become.
