In honour of the 2026 Herald Good Food Guide, out this week, I’d like to offer an update to my own annual publication, The Bad Food Guide, in which we take a short trip into the dark side of Sydney’s restaurants, fast-food joints and cafes.
The handwritten sign in the hamburger shop. I know it’s annoying to deal with the public, but does that one bad experience, which happened six years ago, have to be recorded via a handwritten sign, scribbled on a white chip bag, and stuck above the hotplates for all eternity? It might read: “Don’t leave the deep freeze open OR YOU WILL BE ASKED TO LEAVE”. Or “PAYMENT in 5 cent coins for orders over $20 WILL NOT BE ACCEPTABLE”. Or “DON’T tap on the glass counter with a coin AS THE GLASS WILL BREAK”. Yes, it’s entertaining to read the signs while one is waiting, and to imagine the ancient drama that caused the sign’s composition. Still, when there are 10 or 20 of these signs fluttering in one shop, it does affect the vibe.
Anya Taylor-Joy in fine dining satire The Menu. Credit:
No split bills. Oh, come on. Chef has just done an amazing job, serving six meals simultaneously, all of them excellent, hot and perfectly presented. How hard is it, by comparison, to divide a bill by six? Can I remind you that our only ambition is to pay you money?
No reservations. What? Rude! Customers these days are just meant to turn up and hope. It’s like your best friend inviting you to dinner next Saturday and saying: “We’d love to see you. We may be there. Or perhaps not. In which case, why not try the hamburger place around the corner? I should warn you, they do have a lot of angry signs written on chip bags.”
“How’s your meal?” Well, quite nice actually, but I was in the middle of my best anecdote, which my friends have only heard 10 or 20 times before. I’m worried that the conversation will move on, just when I was getting to the good bit about meeting Daryl Braithwaite.
The menu with print too small to read. Oh, sure, it looks elegant, and that elegant typeface goes so well with the candlelit ambience you’ve created. But put them together and I’ll need the Hubble Telescope. What’s wrong with Times New Roman 16-point, plus a 100-watt globe, those beloved friends of the middle-aged?
Why wouldn’t you be proud to order the Filet-O-Fish?Credit:
Service that’s too fast. Controversial, I know, but it’s possible. Occasionally, I attend an excellent south coast golf club in which the meal is often delivered before you’ve got back from the cashier. We live in a thrusting modern economy, I understand that. Tables need to be “turned over”, I agree. And I appreciate the efforts of chefs who appear to have conquered the time-space continuum. But could I grab a second beer first?
Service that is too slow. A more common problem, I realise. My go-to signal: If I’m telling my Daryl Braithwaite anecdote for the third time, and it’s the same meal, the service is too slow.
