Try to completely change your outlook on your son. Instead of focusing on all of his behaviours (getting to school, taking meds, seeing a therapist), ask yourself, “What is standing in the way of my son wanting to go to school, take meds or see a professional?” This may sound painfully basic, but have you asked him? Has he tried medications and doesn’t like how he feels on them? Is he afraid of them? Does he feel too hopeless to try? Does he not want to go to school because he does poorly or can’t keep up? Is he bored? Too hopeless or anxious? Does opening up to a therapist make him feel too vulnerable? What he thinks and feels could astonish you. Adults are so accustomed to the diagnosing and fixing model that we can skip right over the actual teen. Most teens are dying for someone to simply ask them what they want or need. Do I know that your son will open up to you? No. That depends on your relationship, but it doesn’t change the fact that’s what needs to happen. Without his buy-in, you will not get him into school, on meds or to a good therapist, period.

An excellent blueprint to figure out how to talk to your son is Ross Greene’s collaborative and proactive solutions approach. Yes, it focuses on behaviours, but the magic of it is that, when used properly, it is a tool based on relationships and connections. Going to school, taking meds and seeing a professional can be too much to tackle all at once; this approach slows everything down and focuses on one issue at a time. And although your parenting needs matter, the beauty of this approach is that your son’s needs matter just as much. The Lives in the Balance website (livesinthebalance.org) has everything you need to start this approach, but you can also work with a professional who can guide you and hold you responsible for not falling into old (and unsuccessful) habits.

You will need to make room for the possibility that your son may not be attending school (the way you thought) right away. I would contact his high school, talk to the needed people (school counsellor, learning specialists, principals or head of the year) and describe the situation. Get information about homeschooling, unschooling or online options for school, and make sure that you are complying with legal requirements. If his diagnoses aren’t on the record, please take the steps to establish them with his school.

I know the panic parents feel when they watch their children miss school. But we have to deal with reality, and the reality is that your son is suffering. His mental health comes before school. Plenty of teens use alternative learning methods on their own schedules, and they end up quite happy and successful. Again, I strongly recommend finding a parent coach or therapist who works with families going through similar struggles. You need all the support you can get. Good luck.