Here are five ways to begin a new friendship. They are informed by my perspective as a practicing psychotherapist for more than 15 years and my experiences as a caregiver who has struggled with seasons of isolation. What I have learned is that friendships are ever-changing, complex and worth the effort they require.
Get out there – and align with your interests
Staying in your own space is comfortable, but leaving your home will allow for more connection, as face-to-face interactions correlate with higher friendship quality.
Following your interests will likely make the process more enjoyable. Choose activities that convene consistently, as they offer more opportunities to develop a bond. Join a gym and attend the same spin class each week, take a community education class, or connect to a religious or spiritual centre to find other people wanting kinship.
Volunteering regularly for a cause that you believe in is also an excellent way to meet compatible friends, plus you get the happiness and health boosts correlated with service-related activities.
If you are unable to leave the home for any number of reasons, check out online classes or groups that match your interests. You can also volunteer to make phone calls or offer other types of tele-support for a cause that mirrors your values.
Give attention
People who reach out to others often feel more included. If you feel self-conscious about starting a conversation, have a preplanned phrase or question to use as an opener. Personally, I like the classic: “Hi, how is your day going?” Then, instead of jumping to another topic, deepen the conversation with a related follow-up question, which also demonstrates that you are listening.
People tend to like people who like them, so show curiosity, which is easier if you steer toward subjects you are genuinely drawn toward.
Psychologist and friendship expert Marisa Franco encourages friend-seekers to assume people like you. This leads to projecting the type of friendliness that builds connection.
When you enjoy a conversation or admire something about a prospective friend, challenge yourself to share the compliment. When a colleague shared with me that she was moved by something I’d written and wanted to get together on a regular basis, it had a huge effect on our relationship. We went from seeing each other roughly once a year to getting together on a more frequent basis.
Focus on showing care to others and yourself
Fear and worry about being judged in relationships can often cause us to appear aloof or uninterested, which may then sabotage connection. One way to shift this dynamic is to focus on caring for others.
Emulate someone whose social skills and warmth you admire. This could be someone you know, such as a trusted friend, or it could be someone from the public sphere whose kindness helps other people shine. This can boost your confidence in social situations.
Extend this warmheartedness to a potential friend’s imperfections, too, to increase your chances of feeling more connected and less disappointed.
And show that same kindness to yourself, too. Work toward self-compassion, which is defined as the care that you would give a beloved friend. Self-compassion has been correlated with lower levels of social anxiety and self-criticism.
Take healthy risks – step by step
It takes courage to invite someone you don’t know well to get together, yet this can be the difference between having a friend or having an acquaintance.
Most people appreciate being invited. Remember that if you are feeling insecure, which is a normal part of any new relationship.
People sometimes take an all-or-nothing approach to vulnerability with new friends, but small steps build trust most reliably. For example, offering to grab a coffee together at a cafe after a class is a lower-stakes ask than inviting someone to dinner at your home. You can start even smaller by saying hello and introducing yourself – nearly every relationship begins with a greeting. And you can build from there.
Friendships develop and deepen by sharing personal information over time. Begin by disclosing something personal that still feels relatively safe and then observe how the other person responds. Do you feel accepted? Do they empathise and offer something personal in return?
Vulnerability is a cornerstone of relationships, yet healthy connections require sharing with people who show that they are trustworthy. You can slowly reveal more over future conversations.
Seek a fresh perspective
Talk with someone – a family member, a school counsellor, a member of the clergy or a psychotherapist – about building friendships to gain a fresh perspective.
The views of others who love and care for you or who are objective professionals can help you to understand how other people see you. And that new outlook can clarify how you can relate more effectively to others.
When stuck, trying something new is crucial, and increased insight can lead to new possibilities for friendships and beyond.
Emma Nadler is a psychotherapist and the author of The Unlikely Village of Eden: A Memoir
