So what can we do to counteract all that tiredness, stress and overfamiliarity when we find ourselves disconnected at the end of the day?

Be aware of the moment

The first few minutes are crucial. Reflecting on the other person and their feelings might be a good entry point but you want to avoid mind reading — the habit of assuming what the other person is thinking or feeling — and then giving yourself a pat on the back and making decisions based on what you think you’ve figured out.

“Spouses and partners may have significantly different interpretations and expectations about what it means to ‘come home’ and how people are expected to interact on such an occasion,” writes the Harvard Business Review. Consciously dial the conflict down and then start talking and asking what the other person is thinking and feeling.

“When someone comes home and says “I want to tell you about my day” it sounds so straightforward you think surely the other person is going to be understanding and sympathetic,” says Glynn. “But the other person is often thinking ‘You want more from me? You are demanding something from me as soon as you walk in the door and I can’t do it’.” Your partner is not your own personal therapist.

Don’t get triggered

It is startling how easily a person can be driven mad by the noise their partner makes when they’re eating, but these frustrations really say “I’m tired and stressed out and I would really appreciate some quiet.” But we rarely express that and instead go on the attack over the volume of their mastication.

Anything can be a trigger. “The things that cause conflict lie in front of questions of justice,” says Glynn. “‘Are you doing your fair share?’ It’s easier to attack someone over putting the rubbish out or cleaning the children’s shoes than to ask such a brutal question as ‘Are you doing as much as me?’ If couples are in conflict their thinking capacity diminishes and they will often say brutal things and a couple of hours later say ‘I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean that’. In the moment they felt threatened and wanted to stop it and escape.”

Open up and communicate

Conversations between two people in long-term relationships increasingly come to resemble a kind of extended The Two Ronnies “Mastermind” sketch in which questions are greeted with the answer to the question before last, or a question asked yesterday, or to a completely different question entirely and even one that has never been asked at all.

Asking your partner how they are feeling is a good step but asking them what they want or need is even better — as long as it’s non-confrontational. To hear someone saying they care and they are interested is extraordinarily powerful if it provides an opportunity for a couple to work together.

Asking for help can backfire if it looks transactional or just another means of attack. Saying things like “Why don’t you understand?” or “Why can’t you see what’s going on?” will get nowhere. How things are said is crucial. “This is what I need you to give me,” is loaded with negativity, whereas “What I would like or appreciate is if you do this or help me with this” is inclusive and sincere. Communication must not be a challenge or an edict. The key is curiosity from both sides.

Accept your differences

Once the communication has improved then there are other tactics to employ. Glynn recommends the idea of “benign denial” as the best way to cope with those everyday irritations. Couples can become obsessed with the trivial and use it against each other all the time. We need to develop dispassionate acceptance that the other person comes from a different emotional “culture”.

You might find it irritating or confusing but if you get over-focused on those dreaded discarded socks you are just going to go round in circles. What it says is “I can’t tolerate that you do things differently to me” so staying in this rigid mindset will get you nowhere. If you have a target and you don’t get what you think you’ve been promised (have they done the dishes as often as you agreed?) then you are creating a problem for yourself.

A common complaint is that one person wants to vent about their day and the other wants a few moments to decompress. Identifying those differences can be illuminating. “Some people needed to be loud and aggressive to get their voice heard in childhood and that carries into relationships,” says Glynn. “The same is true of restrained, quiet households, who might see vocalising as threats, criticism and judgment because that’s all they know.”

Find what works

Whatever you discuss, don’t set it in stone. It’s also important to make sure one person doesn’t end up thinking they are acting alone or taking things more seriously than their partner. There’s no need to handle this process in a fixed way or to make it feel like an imposition. “Let’s sit down and talk for 20 minutes” isn’t going to work for everyone.

As Winston Churchill said, “My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked”.

Some people want to talk, some want peace and quiet and others might want to be distracted or entertained. It might be taking a bath or grabbing something straight from the fridge. It might be what Mrs C calls “crap TV”, a broad category covering such gems as Below Deck or Married At First Sight. It can even be as simple as making a beeline for trousers with an elasticated waist or a dressing gown. But a word of warning before you get too comfy: “We need security, but we also need some mystery,” says Glynn. “You still need to be able to surprise someone. If we focus too much on security we lose the mystery. We need that frisson to keep the energy going.”

“The key is developing a ‘we’ sense as opposed to an ‘I’ sense,” concludes Glynn. “If we always think from an ‘I’ perspective instead of a ‘we’ perspective a person will keep fighting for what ‘I’ need and what ‘I’ feel is right and the other person does the same. But if you start to think about what ‘we’ can do then the defences start to lower.”

None of this means you should leave your clothes on the floor or not put the rubbish out, however. A little bit of effort goes a long way.