Instead of putting your sex life in the too-hard-basket, following these sexy, research-backed date-night plans can be all that’s required to create more exciting, passionate intimacy.
Some tips before you start:
- While these dates will likely leave you wanting to get frisky, penetrative sex isn’t a necessary part of the programme. In fact, the absence of pressure to have sex is what will make these date nights most successful, allowing you both to relax and fully enjoy the moment.
- Instead of getting disappointed if sex doesn’t eventuate, know that the intentional time you’ve spent together will have nourished your connection in a way that will benefit future sexual experiences.
- It’s also important to schedule these date nights as non-negotiables in your calendar that you’re both committed to attending, and ensure that when the time comes, you turn your phones to “Do Not Disturb” mode so you have each other’s full attention for the evening.
Date 1: Turn up the heat
This date night is focused on learning about each other’s libidos using a practice of mine called a “turn-on menu”.
Get cosy together with paper and pens so you can each write 15 things that have the potential to activate your turn-on, being as honest and detailed as you’re comfortable being.
To do this, you might need to think 10 years into the past about what used to get you in the mood, or you might easily know what flicks that switch for you.
Once you’ve made your list, take turns sharing what you’ve written down.
You might notice that your partner gets activated by completely different things to you, or uncover a new interest you didn’t know you had.
You can ask questions to better understand what your partner has written on their turn-on menu, and then to try out some of the things you’ve each suggested, perhaps adding new discoveries to the menu along the way.
Date 2: Playful passion
A common mistake that blocks couples from accessing their sexual excitement is trying to go from straight from their busy day into intimacy. This is often too big of a jump because their mind is still too focused on work to relax fully into a state of pleasure and desire.
Instead, a concept developed by neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp recommends utilising a transition period. One potent way of doing this is moving into a state of light-hearted play before even trying to get frisky.
Focus this date night around your favourite way to generate a fun and playful energy with your partner. You could play twister (clothes optional), build a fort and have a tickle war in it, or make a sexy treasure hunt for each other.
It’s particularly beneficial if your chosen activity increases your heart rate, as this can mimic the physiological symptoms of arousal. This makes it even easier to move into something more sexual afterwards as your body is one step ahead.
If you do take things further, you can explore how you can incorporate this playful energy into the sex you have to encourage novelty.
Date 3: Conscious connection
Feeling cared for and loved is another effective transition you can implement strategically.
To do this, I recommend utilising a version of the “State of the Union” check-in created by John and Julie Gottman, a couple renowned for their leading research on relationships.
Start by taking turns to share five things that you appreciate about your sex life with your partner, intentionally choosing thoughtful, observant things that you haven’t expressed gratitude for before.
Then, you can ask each other, “how would you like to feel loved tonight?” Listen to each response and commit to providing them with this expression of love.
From here, take turns exchanging massages with the aim of communicating as much love as you can through your touch. You could accompany this with kisses on your partner’s body, compliments that you share out loud, and more sexual touch if both parties are into that.
Date 4: Stimulating the senses
The senses are another great way to drop out of the busy mind and into the body, where pleasure and arousal live.
This date night invites you to put together what I call a “pleasure smorgasbord”. This is an array of different items that have the potential to bring you pleasure through each of your five senses.
You might include your favourite scented oil, a soft feather, blindfold, restraints, ice cubes and anything else that you can use creatively.
Take turns selecting things from your smorgasbord of items to stimulate each other’s senses and drop into your sensuality together.
Sofie Louise is an Auckland-based trained sex and libido coach who is passionate about supporting women in reclaiming their sexuality.
