So, as a parent of rangatahi under 18, what should you do if your child’s friend wants to follow you? And is it ever okay to follow them back? Or your friend’s kids?
University of Auckland senior research fellow Dr Samantha Marsh has “quite a strong stance” on children staying off social media.
“I don’t think that adults outside of the family unit should be messaging children and have private access to your child.”
Marsh says “it’s hard” without rules or etiquette around this: “Everybody just kind of does what they want.”
Without research available, her advice is not to link with other parents’ children on social media.
If your child’s friend requests to follow you, Marsh suggests communicating to them through your child “as soon as possible” that you have a policy of not engaging through social media with their friends. She recommends they convey this in person.
‘Difficult and murky territory’
Parenting Place educator Holly Brooker says there is “lots to consider as to whether you want to put yourself in a position where you are accepting your children’s friends online”, and it can be “really hard work” having your child’s friends as followers.
“It might mean that you need to censor your online behaviour and what you post,” she says, noting that your kid’s friends might see you as a role model and some content may not be appropriate for under-18s.
Brooker says the connection to the child and their parents outside of social media is a factor to consider.
“It depends on the relationship you have with that child. If there’s someone that’s like family to you, that might be quite different than [someone] who is in your child’s sports team.”
If you do choose to be connected through social media, it’s important to maintain clear boundaries.
“You’re entering into really difficult and murky territory if you start engaging with your child’s friends online, particularly if there’s some kind of issue or drama or situation that you want to weigh in to.”
Brooker encourages adults to avoid “getting involved in any kind of online discussions” with the child’s friends, particularly through social media, with best practice being to contact the child’s parents in person to have “healthy, respectful conversation around the problem and how things might be able to be resolved in real life”.
Co-founder of advocacy group Makes Sense, Brooker says some parents are happy to accept friend requests from their child’s friends so they will be aware of what they are doing, but says it’s important to consider what actions they’d be comfortable taking should concerning behaviour arise.
“[It puts] you in a predicament about whether you should comment on it or not, or reach out to them if you’re concerned about their behaviour,” she says.
“If you don’t respond to something concerning, are you being complicit and not giving that child the support they might potentially need?”
Another consideration Brooker highlights is around the appropriateness of engaging online with a young person “as innocent as it might be” if they want to chat with you.
Brooker suggests parents speak with their children about the importance of not accepting friend requests from adults (and peers) they don’t want to.
Dos and don’ts:
DON’T follow children you aren’t related to without carefully considering if it’s appropriate
DO take care in communicating when declining a child’s friend request
DO consider what content you post if you have young followers
DON’T get into online discussions with children who aren’t yours
DO communicate respectfully with their parents instead
DO think about your responsibilities if you see concerning behaviour from a child online
DO talk to your kids about how to handle friend requests from adults.
Catherine Sylvester is a multimedia journalist at the Bay of Plenty Times and Rotorua Daily Post. She has a background in feature writing, radio and television, and has taught media at a tertiary level.
