Q: My husband has a well-paid job at an elite university. We send our two kids to the day care there. The combined cost is more than my annual salary. Over drinks with acquaintances, one of them raised the issue of day care costs. Someone said they were “sooo expensive,” and another compared them to college tuitions. So, I finally said the number we pay. But when I saw the shock on their faces, I instantly regretted it. I didn’t tell them to show off. I just thought it was more real to say what day care actually costs. Thoughts? – Mum
A: I know you didn’t mean any harm. And in fact, if you had simply reported the cost of the university-affiliated day care – from an article in a newspaper, for instance – there may have been some head-shaking at the unfairness of our economic system, but it might not have felt so personal.
What you did, inadvertently, was place yourself on one side of a dividing line: those who can afford, say, US$20,000 per child for day care and those who can’t. Money is extremely efficient in creating lines like these – which is not an argument for avoiding the subject, only for raising it after consideration.
Limited bandwidth for texting
Q: We are in the middle of a medical emergency. Our young adult daughter needs an organ transplant immediately. Between travelling to be with her, consulting with doctors and planning her move before the transplant, we are at our limit. Everyone in our inner circle knows the story. Still, many of them send us texts about their news and travels. I am not one to ghost, but I can’t summon the strength to answer anything other than “How is she?” or “How are you holding up?” Am I wrong not to respond to these texts? – Friend
A: Of course not! You are the best judge of your emotional capacity – and right now, you seem to have reached it looking after your daughter and the needs of your family. Who knows why your friends are sending newsy texts? Maybe they think they will be a welcome distraction. Don’t give it another thought for now. There will be time to circle back to them later. Take care of yourself and your daughter.
The camera was candid, but I’m not smiling
Q: A kind man I know posted candid photographs on his Facebook page from an event I attended recently. One photo of me is so awful it shocked me. The angle is poor, and I look like a hideous toad. I wish I could get the word out about candid shots and their power to hurt. If I tell him how bad his photograph makes me feel, maybe he will learn something. Should I? – Subject
Judging photographs – like any art form – is a subjective business. You can’t know how I will feel about a picture of me and vice versa. If you want the kind man to take down his photograph of you, ask him to. (I bet he will.) But I see no reason to tell him how horrible it made you feel. In this age of social media, it seems unrealistic to think that attendees of public events have approval rights over documentary photographs.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Philip Galanes
©2025 THE NEW YORK TIMES
