If mother-in-law jokes are anything to go by, there’s nothing new in merged families not getting along. It’s a theme that’s repeatedly played out on the big screen — think Monster in Law, Meet the Parents, My Big Fat Greek Wedding — and often for laughs.
But as Brooklyn Beckham Peltz would no doubt attest, in real life it’s far from a joking matter. While a lengthy Instagram post expressing his dismay with his famous family may have seemed like a good idea at the time, it begs the question: is there a better way to respond when your parents take a dislike to your significant other?
“When parents object to a partner, it can be deeply distressing and put people in the painful position of feeling they have to choose between their family and their relationship,” says Naomi Doyle, family dispute resolution practitioner with Relationships Australia. “While there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, some practical steps can help reduce tension and clarify boundaries.”
Here’s what the experts say about managing the tricky dynamic.
Present a united front
It’s important that your partner doesn’t feel undermined or blamed for the conflict. Agree privately on your expectations, so you can respond consistently to family pressure.
“Set respectful boundaries,” says Doyle. “It’s reasonable to say that while you’re open to hearing concerns, ongoing criticism or disrespect toward your partner isn’t acceptable. Remember that boundaries aren’t punishments; they are ways of protecting relationships from further harm.”
Seek to understand
Sometimes parents express worry in frustrating ways, but it is helpful to understand the concern beneath the criticism. Asking calm questions can help identify whether their unease is about values, safety, culture, communication style or simply fear of losing closeness with their child.
“When concerns are raised about your partner, try to listen calmly, without interrupting or rushing to defend your partner,” says Dr Zena Burgess, chief executive of the Australian Psychological Society.
“Listening to what your parent or caregiver has to say may allow you to better understand their perspective. Ask clarifying questions such as, “Can you explain what you mean when you say they are a bad influence?” or “Can you give me an example of when you believe they have been disrespectful?”
Don’t make a bad situation worse
The Hills actor Heidi Montag stopped speaking to her family for approximately two years because they disapproved of her now-husband, Spencer Pratt. At one point, tensions ran so high that Montag called the police to turn her mother away from her home.
Unnecessarily escalating the already tense situation should be avoided, advises Doyle.
“Have clear, calm conversations when emotions are settled,” says Doyle. “Using ‘I’ statements that describe your own feelings and needs, and focusing on impact rather than blame, can help keep conversations constructive.”
(If someone raises concerns about behaviours such as disrespect, manipulation, dishonesty, or control, it’s important to consider your own wellbeing.)
Take care of the children
Children are often very perceptive, even when adults try to shield them from tension. Here are Doyle’s tips on how to talk to them about family disharmony.
- Use simple, age-appropriate language and avoid blaming or criticising grandparents or other adults.
- Reassure children that the conflict is not their fault and that they are loved by all parties.
- Let them know that sometimes adults disagree, but that it’s the adults’ job to manage those disagreements.
- Where possible, try to maintain children’s relationships with extended family, unless there are safety concerns.
- Above all, children benefit most from seeing the adults in their lives model emotional regulation, even in difficult situations.
Consider professional help
US Olympic swimmer Adam Peaty fell out with his parents over his engagement to TV chef Gordon Ramsay’s daughter, Holly. As a result, they were uninvited from the couple’s wedding late last year. But things don’t always need to escalate so drastically.
“Professional counselling can be very helpful, particularly when emotions are high, or conversations keep going in circles,” says Doyle.
Importantly, counselling isn’t about deciding who’s right but rather it’s about helping people navigate competing loyalties.
“Resolution doesn’t always mean agreement,” advises Doyle. “Sometimes the goal is not changing minds, but finding a way to coexist with less conflict and more respect.”
Estrangement should be a last resort
“I do not want to reconcile with my family,” Brooklyn Beckham declared at the start of his public statement. The decision to cut people out of your life is rarely made lightly and is often driven by a complex combination of factors such as chronic stress, trauma, or breaking cycles of dysfunction.
“Conflict can arise from the very nature of family itself,” says Burgess. “Relationships are foundational, emotionally charged, and often expected to be enduring.
“Estrangement often involves weighing the benefits of self-protection against the costs of severing ties and is usually taken after considerable reflection. A psychologist is well-placed to assist through these experiences.”
The flip side
It can be confronting for parents to see their adult children make choices they don’t agree with. That’s exacerbated by feelings that the relationship has changed, or a distance has grown. But it’s key to be able to distinguish between genuine concerns and personal discomfort.
“Ask yourself whether your worries relate to safety or wellbeing, or whether they’re about expectations, control or unfamiliar differences,” says Doyle.
“Focus on the relationship with your child first. Maintaining that connection matters more in the long run than being right about their partner.
“Express concerns respectfully and sparingly, as repeated criticism can push people further away.”
And be open to self-reflection. Sometimes, tensions can occur due to unrealistic parental expectations of their relationship with their child. Says Doyle: “Family transitions can stir up grief, loss or fear of being replaced. Acknowledging this internally can reduce conflict externally.”
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