“A helpful question is: how long have I been feeling this way?” says Sally Russell, separation consultant at The Separation Guide. “If this has been building for months or years, it’s probably not a knee-jerk reaction, it’s clarity catching up.”

Ruling out impulse isn’t about delaying forever. It’s about knowing you’ve genuinely tried to understand what’s happening before making a life-changing decision to end your relationship.

2. Are issues outside my marriage affecting my decision?

Are you unhappy in your job? Longing for a sea change? Feeling stuck financially? Needing new friendships? It’s important to consider this wider context; if your unhappiness is amplifying problems at home, it can be easy to assume that the relationship is the central issue.

“Couples are often heartily sick of issues that come up time and again without resolution,” says Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW.

“They may feel bored and disappointed by the same old arguments and impasses. Silence and loneliness within a relationship can also be deeply painful. These behaviours and habits can, in themselves, lead couples to believe the relationship isn’t working, when in fact some of the differences may be comparatively solvable, if only they could communicate and connect more effectively.”

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3. Am I staying for the right reasons?

As much as you need to work out the right reasons to leave, it’s equally important to understand your reasons to stay.

“Many people stay for very practical reasons — finances, fear of lifestyle change, concern about coping alone,” says Russell. “These fears are completely human, but they’re not always the healthiest foundation for a long-term decision.”

If fear is the only thing keeping you in the relationship, it’s worth reflecting on this. Staying because of shared values, mutual respect, and the desire to rebuild is very different to staying because separation feels too scary or overwhelming.

4. Have I clearly communicated my needs?

This question is crucial. Many people assume their partner should know they’re unhappy, but unspoken needs can’t be responded to. Clear communication doesn’t mean blame or confrontation. It means calmly expressing what you’re feeling, what you need and what’s no longer working for you.

“It’s important your partner has the opportunity to understand how serious things are, rather than being expected to guess,” says Russell. “Clarity helps everyone – even if the outcome is difficult.”

5. Have we tried therapy?

Relationships are precious. Most couples have invested a bucketload of time, emotion and trust, and are often surrounded by mutual friends, family and children who have a stake in the marriage, too.

“It’s worth seeking counselling from a well-trained and experienced couples’ therapist to properly explore the options and possibilities,” says Shaw. “And if you do decide to separate, you still need very effective communication to do that respectfully and well. When relationships end in highly destructive ways, the fallout can take years to recover from, and that rarely serves anyone well. Slowing down to get things as ‘right’ as possible is usually worth the time and effort.”

6. Do I acknowledge my own role?

Acknowledging your own role doesn’t mean taking responsibility for everything — it means recognising patterns, reactions and behaviours you may bring into the dynamic.

“Self-reflection can be incredibly powerful,” says Russell. “This can soften conversations and reduce defensiveness. Learning techniques for calmer conversations, especially around conflict, can change the tone entirely.”

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7. Am I safe in my marriage?

Safety is non-negotiable. If you don’t feel emotionally, psychologically or physically safe, that is a clear line in the sand.

“Feeling afraid to speak up, constantly walking on eggshells, being controlled, threatened or harmed, are not ‘relationship problems’ to work harder at,” says Russell. “In those situations, the focus shifts from relationship repair to personal safety and support. Reaching out to professionals and trusted services is critical, and help is available.” If you are in immediate danger, call 000.

8. If nothing changes, can I live like this in five years?

Look at who you have become in this relationship and ask yourself if you like this version of yourself. Ask honestly if you accept your partner for who they are, or if you are hoping for some fundamental change. If you feel more at peace when you imagine leaving than you do when you think about staying, that can bring clarity to the situation.

“Ultimately, this isn’t about rushing to divorce,” says Russell. “It’s about making a thoughtful, informed decision — one grounded in self-respect, safety and clarity rather than fear or guilt.”

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