Not everything you read in someone’s journal can be taken as fact. He may have made this list in the heat of his own emotions and without intending for you to see them. Everyone has their own coping tools for navigating disagreements. For some, this is venting to a friend or working with a therapist. For others, like your husband, writing down unfiltered private thoughts may give a sense of control while dealing with conflict.
I talked to my colleague and licensed marriage and family therapist Maria Sosa, who explained that “sometimes, in our efforts to solve a problem within our relationships, we end up creating a new set of problems”. It’s clear that you both are trying to figure out how to navigate the changes you’ve experienced recently – you through trying to speak up more and him through writing everything down. Yet you continue to struggle with truly connecting. As Sosa sees it, “it seems as if the things that you were sharing were not being perceived through a compassionate lens but rather accumulating as resentment”.
It will be damaging to your relationship if you don’t address how this list has made you feel and how your husband is experiencing you and your marriage. You want to be careful that any resentment hasn’t already turned into contempt, or a total disregard and disrespect for one another. According to John and Julie Gottman, experts on marital issues, contempt is the No. 1 predictor for divorce. It also may be a sign that appreciation or empathy are lacking in your relationship.
Working through this, and repairing the issues in your marriage, may require a professional to mediate your conversations – especially since you already struggle with communication. However, you can broach this topic before deciding that a professional is necessary. Be honest with your husband about how you discovered this list when you bring it up. During your conversation, lead with curiosity and empathy, not defensiveness or anger. As Sosa points out, this can’t be about deciding who is right and who is wrong. You want to be open to really listening and trying to understand his feelings about your marriage.
Communicating more instead of “sulking like before” is great, but how you are communicating is also important. Arguing and conflict are normal parts of relationships, but you want to make sure you are both fighting fair. For example, do you struggle to give your husband the benefit of the doubt? Or, when communicating your feelings, do you use I-language versus you-language, which can feel more accusatory? What changes and conflicts are recurring in your relationship? What role do you play in them? How do you deal or react to them? Addressing these questions doesn’t mean you are solely at fault for the changes or struggles in your marriage.
It takes a lot of courage not to deflect when faced with difficult parts of ourselves or our loved ones. Being honest about how you’re feeling and curious about each other’s experiences will help you amend your behaviour and hopefully initiate positive change in your relationship.
