They weren’t even boasting. It just came up in conversation and one by one they all shared their own experiences: usually drunken, often with mates, occasionally with strangers, including an accepted invitation from a vaguely famous couple at The Groucho Club in Soho. NDAs were involved in the latter, which doesn’t sound very sexy, but what do I know?
One of the group said he’d never had a threesome, but two foursomes. “Does that count?” he asked, almost shamefully, as though it was somehow more vanilla. I tried to look unfazed, but I definitely failed.
“It’s really not a big deal, you should try it,” the youngest of the group said to me, obviously clocking my open-mouthed amazement at this cultural shift which had totally passed me by. No big deal? It’s all I’ve talked about ever since.
So, the following week, I posed the question to my five 40-something girlfriends over dinner. How many of us were secret dark horses?
When three’s a crowd
Turns out, none of us had ever had a threesome. Nobody wanted one either. We were all too tired, even for twosomes. “I have two kids and a job. I’m knackered,” said one. “A threesome sounds like admin.”
Plus, it all seemed so complicated.
“What if the other girl was hotter than me?” said one. “But then, what if she was not hot?” We all nodded, it really did seem a lose-lose situation.
Still, we pushed on, deciding the gender balance and details of our own ideal threesomes, but it went nowhere. “I don’t even want to be in my fantasy threesome,” someone concluded, and then we all slid comfortably back to discussing oestrogen gel and depression.
So what explains the age divide, beyond the fact that 40-somethings simply don’t have the time or the energy?
The psychoanalyst Dr Orna Guralnik (from the brilliant documentary Couples Therapy) has spoken about the rise of more relaxed sexual attitudes among younger generations. She partly attributes it to climate anxiety – that faced with the dread of environmental collapse, younger people are becoming more communal, less monogamous, more open. Seems… a stretch. But, maybe?
A ‘totally new experience’
It does make sense, though, in the context of a generation raised on the sharing economy. If you’ve grown up swapping homes on Airbnb, pooling cars on Uber, and sharing wardrobes on By Rotation, maybe sharing your partner is the next logical step?
Graham Riske from the dating app Feeld, designed for “open-minded individuals,” says cultural scripts around gender, sexuality and relationships are shifting fast.
“People are increasingly questioning traditional norms as they explore what brings them pleasure and happiness,” he says. “Gen Z might be leading the pack, with 71 per cent identifying as something other than heterosexual, but this openness extends to younger millennials too. Interest in threesomes among 30-somethings has more than tripled since 2022.”
I went back to one of the 30-somethings from that dinner. Okay, so you’re all having threesomes – but did you actually enjoy it?
“It was great, outside of being sexual – it’s just good to have a totally new experience,” she said. “It makes you feel very empowered in your body. I loved appreciating another girl’s body too – it helped with confidence both ways. Though it can go wrong if it starts to feel a bit pornified, especially with two girls and a guy. Sometimes the guy just wants to act out a porn fantasy, and that’s when it loses the fun.”
Ryan Scoats, who has a PhD in threesomes (yes, really) and is the author of Understanding Threesomes, says the generational divide is often about freedom: “Youth is seen as a time for exploration – or maybe it’s simply having fewer responsibilities and less to lose. In contrast, older people may see themselves as out of this sexually explorative mindset, may have more responsibilities that get in the way of thinking about or doing such things, or they may have less frequent access to suitable potential partners.”
The Gillian Anderson effect
When I asked my friend what usually led to a threesome, she shrugged. “Usually after nights out clubbing – everyone’s drunk, relaxed, and you’re left with people you fancy anyway. It also happens a lot abroad, when everyone’s in that wild holiday mood, away from everyday stress.”
I tried to imagine trying to slot in a threesome while away with my two kids and would have to agree with Scoates on the access point.
That said, not everyone in their 40s is as unadventurous as me and my friends. “People in their 40s are far from traditional,” says Riske. “We’ve found that women aged 40-50 actively match younger women in their kinks and desires – sexual curiosity transcends age.”
When Gillian Anderson compiled Want – a collection of women’s sexual fantasies across all age groups – she found that “threesomes, moresomes [an orgy] and thensomes” were the most common fantasies submitted.
Perhaps my friends and I just need to loosen up.
Welcome to the Orgy Dome
Once you start looking, threesomes are everywhere, from dating apps like Feeld, to TV shows like Open House, featuring committed couples visiting a luxury retreat to expand their relationships. If you haven’t seen it yet… just, oh my God.
Meanwhile, Burning Man Festival’s Orgy Dome, described by organisers as “a sex-positive, consensual space for couples and moresomes to play”, had about 5000 visitors last year.
Even Love Island flirted with the idea of threesomes this year when they introduced a trampoline bed “perfect for throuples”, according to the show’s creative director Mike Spencer-Hayler. TikTok is full of polyamory pushers (“love isn’t limited, it’s multiplied” – gah!), and Reddit’s r/Threesome has 1.5 million followers.
As Scoats points out, “What threesomes look like and how they turn out is incredibly diverse. Just like sex between two people, people might be motivated by love, being horny, wanting to feel attractive, being bored, feeling obligated, or just having the opportunity. There’s no single type of person or reason – it all depends on the people, the time, and the place.”
Fair enough. Maybe I’m the one out of step.
Maybe I will watch The Threesome after all. Critics are saying it’s surprisingly good – so I will see what all the fuss is about. If I can stay awake.
