Your libido, the mathematician

The first step to increasing your sex drive is bridging the gap in our sex education by learning how a libido actually works.

I love to imagine our libidos as sex-obsessed mathematicians sitting up in our brains, constantly running calculations to determine whether, at any given moment, you’ll feel excited by the idea of sex or find yourself telling your partner, ‘not tonight, babe’.

The result of the calculation – your desire for sex (or lack thereof) – is straightforward. However, your little inner mathematician is watching every single thing happening in your life, and all those details (aka your context) form the input for the calculation.

This includes your inner context – what’s happening in your body and brain, such as your beliefs, emotions, thoughts, health, and more.

It also includes your external context, which encompasses everything outside your body, like the physical space you’re in, the people you’re with, the level of privacy you have, and even the political landscape of the country you’re in.

Each part of your context has the potential to either increase or decrease your desire. While that might sound like an overwhelming number of things to keep track of, my experience as a sex and libido coach has revealed a few especially common contextual blocks to effortless excitement that are worth exploring first.

Block #1: You’ve been let down before

The majority of my clients who struggle with a low libido have been cheated on before – an experience which tends to have a significant impact on the context of their relationship, even if the affair happened with an ex-partner.

These women often find themselves holding back in their relationship, even though logically they know they want to be with their partner.

They may have intrusive thoughts about men being untrustworthy or find themselves comparing their bodies to those of other women, wondering how attractive their partner perceives them to be.

If you’ve experienced this, it’s important to take the time to fully process emotions like anger, grief, confusion, and loneliness, so that they aren’t detracting from your internal context for years to come.

It’s also important to prioritise connection with your partner in ways that strengthen your relationship, your trust in each other, and your passion to be together.

Block #2: You don’t really like it

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never found myself having late-night cravings for a food that I don’t like the taste of.

Sex is no different. Our bodies won’t crave sex if we’re having thoughts like, “I do it for my partner, but it’s never been something I really enjoy”, or “I’d rather just masturbate after they’ve fallen asleep”.

To increase your sex drive, you need to believe that sex is an experience that you enjoy. And in order to believe that you need to start experiencing it.

Start by exploring on your own. Try playing with different toys, positions, strokes, and paces to learn what your body finds pleasurable, knowing that it’s likely going to be different from what you see porn stars enjoying and what you used to like 10 years ago.

Once you’ve learned about your likes and dislikes, then you can share this with your lover and start having sex that gives your body something to get excited about.

Block #3: You can’t fully relax

The third common block I see is when sex feels unsafe and anxiety-inducing, even with a loving partner. This tends to be because of sex-related trauma from the past that’s created a negative association with an act that’s supposed to be pleasurable and fun.

Understandably, this can be a challenging contextual factor to rewrite and generally requires the guidance of a practitioner who specialises in trauma.

If you want to get started on your own, focus on nurturing a sense of safety within yourself by increasing your comfort with communicating what you like and don’t like during sex, something which is often challenging for those with trauma backgrounds.

You can practice the wording of your boundaries ahead of time, so they flow off your tongue more smoothly in the moment. With time, this practice can build confidence and a stronger inner foundation of trust, which can make it easier to relax and feel at ease.

With motivation levels running high as we step into the New Year, there’s no better time to take action transforming your libido so that it becomes effortless for you to say ‘yes’ to ecstatic sex with your lover.

Sofie Louise is an Auckland-based trained sex and libido coach who is passionate about supporting women in reclaiming their sexuality.