Why affairs are so common
There are many reasons why someone cheats, but rarely is a marriage entirely happy when affairs begin. Often a third party fills a person’s needs in a different way, and it’s more about how that third person makes the adulterer feel about themselves that is the intoxicating thing. Perhaps they’ve been able to tap into feelings of playfulness or being less inhibited that they haven’t experienced since their youth, such as shared love of sport or going to gigs again. People change over time and so do their needs and desires, this is human nature.
It’s worth remembering that when an affair happens it’s not usually because one person – the adulterer – is unhappy. Generally, there are two unhappy people in the marriage.
Marriages can recover after infidelity
If two people are determined to get their marriage back on track it’s entirely possible, and I would estimate that can happen in three out of four cases.
But it will involve tough conversations and work to rewrite their relationship in a way that’s fulfilling for both parties. The motivation for straying and staying needs to be honestly confronted.
There are also people who use affairs compulsively in a way to soothe their negative emotions. A couple can come in and the wife, for example, believes there’s been one other woman. It becomes apparent there’s been a stream of affairs or sex workers and their partner has been chronically unfaithful. This is generally more difficult.
Don’t assume cheating is about sex
People can feel deeply lonely in marriage. It’s easy, particularly with men, to blame it all on sex, but often that’s not the case. They may end up pursuing sex outside of their marriage because they’re not equipped with the vocabulary to say, “I’m not feeling connected to you right now”, or “I miss you”. They can crave intimacy and want to feel seen and heard. Many women can talk honestly with friends, in a way men don’t, which can drive an affair.
The injured party naturally assumes it’s happened because they are less sexy, or lacking in some way. It generally isn’t anything to do with it.
Dealing with the guilt
Irrespective of whether the affair was discovered, guilt is a normal, healthy response to hurting somebody – and means you’re not a psychopath. The problem is when guilt tips into shame. Shame can be a huge issue for many men and it’s dangerous, yet we are all human and flawed and make mistakes. If you’re struggling with shame, if you hate yourself and it’s affecting eating, sleeping or work, or you’re drinking too much or using other addictive mechanisms, get support. Know you are not a bad human. If you possibly can, confide in one trusted person and have a bag already packed so if you feel overwhelmed you escape for a night to talk. If you don’t have an appropriate friend, see a therapist.
Allow yourself to grieve
It’s not socially acceptable to dwell in misery when an affair ends, but it’s useful to recognise that you were in a relationship for a reason, it was fulfilling some kind of need, you’d built a connection, and now it’s gone. Feeling sadness, pain and some depression is all completely valid, even if it’s done in private.
Telling the injured party about the affair
Only you can decide whether to be honest or if you can live with the truth and don’t wish to hurt them. Or perhaps they found out.
The best way to deal with it is to tell them about it in one session rather than drip feeding hurtful things over time. Stick to the facts. Who it happened with, and how long it went on for. Allow them one session to ask things they want to know. Never go into details about sexual positions or songs you listened to or places you visited as it will give them something to hurt about for years. If they are really nagging for details say it’s not to withhold information but to protect them. Say if they really want to know to ask again in half an hour. They might realise they don’t. A therapist can really help.
Natasha Silverman is an integrative, sex-positive relationship and psychosexual therapist, based in the UK, working with couples, individuals and singles facing a wide range of difficulties
